Harper Valley PTA started
out as a 1968 radio hit for Jeannie C. Riley, about a widowed single mother who
isn’t bothering to conform to small town standards because she wears miniskirts
and laughs at jokes. According to the local PTA, this makes her a floozy and
her degenerate ways must be stopped, so they send her a cease and desist order
in the mail. She goes to their next meeting, airs the town’s dirty laundry and,
metaphorically, flips everyone off before she goes back to living her life as
she damn well pleases. Great song, very catchy.
In 1978, it was made into a drive-in movie starring Barbara
Eden. If it had starred literally anyone
else, it probably would have been lost to the sands of time. But the same piece
of casting that saves it from obscurity dooms it to not making any sense.
Barbara Eden, even in the most mini of skirts, doesn’t seem as a scandalous
figure, or the kind of woman that other women would be venomously jealous of.
Like, if she ever played a serial killer, the general response would be: “Aw, leave
her alone, FBI! She’s fun!”
And when you’re turning a three minute song into an eighty
minute movie, you have to pad the story. So there’s car chases and kidnappers
are hired, and then people have to get disguised as nuns, and there’s a subplot
about a real estate mogul who threatens to foreclose on women’s houses if they
don’t make out with him, and it’s a lot. Which means when, in 1981, they
decided to turn the film into a television show, they had to take a lot of
stuff back out, and the end result is that the general premise gets
a little lost in the shuffle.
For season one, the formula was like this: Stella does
something that is misunderstood by the PTA, the PTA attempts to blow the event
out of proportion as part of a scheme that makes no sense, Stella turns the
tables and socks it to the Harper Valley PTA.
And that formula can be seen in full force for today’s
episode, which begins with Stella grabbing her mail out of the mailbox and
muttering about how something she was expecting hasn’t arrived yet. As she
heads into the house, Dee predicts that “the check” hasn’t come, and Stella
confirms that it hasn’t. Apparently, the people at AngelGlo are unreliable
about sending out quarterly bonus checks, which is dumb because they’re a
door-to-door makeup company, and saleswoman incentives really drive that
business model. But whatever, it’s an 80’s sitcom, let’s save the ridiculous
over-thinking for 50’s Westerns.
Dee ever-so-subtly reminds her mother that there’s a
fabulous winter jacket in the window at Bassinger’s Department Store, and it
would sure take some of the burden off of being the daughter of the town’s
femme fatale if she could keep warm in style this year. (Despite not being in
it much, Dee manages to act like an actual teenage girl when she does show up.)
Stella tells her that she’s already in possession of a perfectly good winter
jacket, and that the money is going in the bank.
Some staging weirdness is about to happen in the name of
comedy. Dee is sitting on the sofa with her textbooks and notes, doing her
homework on the coffee table when Stella enters. They talk about bonus checks
and jackets, then Stella tells Dee to go upstairs and finish her homework,
because I guess it’s not going to get finished if she keeps working on it in
the living room? I don’t know. Dee gathers up her books and heads for the
stairs, while Stella opens the rest of the mail.
Stella notices a thick manila envelope with no return
address and finds that it contains a magazine. She flips open the magazine and
gasps with shock, as she clutches it to her chest to hide its contents from Dee,
who is now standing behind her. The cover of the magazine says SLEAZE and has a
picture of a woman in lingerie on it. It’s pretty obviously not Better Homes
and Gardens, and you don’t need to open it to figure that out. Regardless, Dee
announces that she’s actually going to head for the library and pops out the
door as Stella hides the dirty mag under a couch cushion.
Meanwhile, across the street, local busybody Willamae Jones
is raking up some leaves and wearing a pair of what seriously look to be tartan
plus-fours, rainboots, and a chocolate coloured cardigan. So if anybody should be getting letters from
the PTA about their outfits…
Anyway, the local mailman saunters up, and it turns out he
and Miss Willamae are having some kind of affair, or at least a pretty serious
flirtation. The mailman compliments her hideous trousers, and tells her they’re
his favourite colour: plaid.
It’s the funniest joke in this episode, and that’s sad.
They giggle and tease each other a little bit, and the
mailman hands over a pile of junk and advertisements. Willamae is disappointed
and starts to head into the house, when the mailman reports that the only
person who got something good that day was Stella Johnson. Stella Johnson, source
of local fascination, gossip, and disdain? Willamae whips around like a dog who
just got told a piece of bacon was on the floor.
For all of two seconds, she pretends she doesn’t care to
snoop in the private affairs of the local gossip magnet, but then she demands
to know what was so interesting about Stella’s mail.
The mailman spills the beans about the Sleaze magazine, and
Willamae is happy? Shocked? Scandalized?
Honestly, I have no idea what she hopes to do with this
information.
“Some of the pictures in there would melt your knitting
needles!” The mailman chuckles.
“I’m sure they would. But I bet that hussy can look through it
all day long and not bat an eye.” Willamae answers, because she’s a terrible
person.
Like, really. It’s a dirty magazine and you’re all
grown-ups, what exactly is the scandal here?
There is one
person who’s kind of upset about this turn of events with cause, and that’s
Stella. She was clearly sent the magazine without ordering it, and she’s not
keen on its content. Since it’s her life and her household, she has every right
to be baffled and a little mad about this.
She thumbs through Sleaze on her sofa, eyes wide as she
comes across some of the more imaginative spreads.
We do a commercial and a time skip, and when we get back, Stella’s
BFF Cassie is hanging out in the kitchen with her. Cassie is played by Fannie
Flagg, author of Fried Green Tomatoes at
the Whistle Stop Café. Stella is
standing on a chair, fishing out the adult magazine from its new hiding place
at the back of the cupboard over the stove.
It has to be hidden so that Dee won’t find it. I have no
idea why, if it’s such trouble to own, Stella doesn’t just burn it in the
fireplace. (I suggest burning it instead of merely throwing it out, because I
suspect that at night her nosy neighbours paw through her garbage like
raccoons.)
Cassie thinks it’s pretty funny that Stella has a copy of
Sleaze and is hiding it in the kitchen. She also thinks the contents of the
magazine itself are hilarious, and they probably are. 80’s porn was like
Amazonian glamour girls with super teased hair and glittered body oil arching
their backs in a fake rainforest in front of a painted sunset, maybe holding an
automatic weapon. It was a weird time.
Anyway, it turns out that Sleaze has been sending out
complimentary copies to consenting adults with a card that can be filled in for
a long-term subscription. I’ve never heard of a publication with pornographic
content doing something like that, but I’m going to level with you guys: I do
not know a ton about ye olde girlie mags. Everything I can remember I heard
from Barbi Benton in an interview about the process of restoring the Playboy
mansion when it was first purchased. (I know, I know, I’m so edgy and risqué.)
Stella wants to know why Sleaze would think she, of all
people, would be interested. Cassie says that they just pick names off of
mailing lists for things like this. Which kind of points to why you wouldn’t do
this marketing manoeuver with a publication full of distasteful nudity. You’re
going to get so many angry letters
from people who aren’t just disinclined towards your product, but on religious
crusades to stop you from existing. I guess the only people more clueless about
their business model than AngelGlo are the boys at Sleaze.
So, finally, Stella decides to rip the thing up, but Cassie
stops her saying “they’ll just send you more!” Her plan is to take the magazine
and write on it: “Not wanted. Return to sender.”
She promises she’ll drop it in the mailbox for Stella on her
way home.
Time to get a look at the evil PTA members and their very
official table, complete with name plates for everybody and a gavel. It looks
like a rundown branch of SPECTRE.
Along with how to run a dirty magazine, I also don’t know
much about PTA’s. We don’t have ‘em in Canada, so for all I know they really do have weekly meetings about how to
ruin one person’s life, though I suspect it would be more about fundraising
programs and homework hours.
Oddly, but not surprisingly, the order of business this week
is discussing Willamae’s announcement that Stella Johnson subscribes to Sleaze
magazine. There are murmurs and mumbles, and somebody’s monocle falls into
their tea. (Not really, but might as well.)
Flora Simpson Reilly, PTA leader or chairwoman or whatever, is
shocked. So is her daughter, Wanda. The mayor of Harper Valley lets everyone
know that there isn’t a single page in this month’s issue he finds appropriate.
Thanks for grossing everyone out, mayor.
In her gigantic hat, with her long strings of pearls, Flora
looks less like the stalwart grand dame and more like the madam at a depression
era brothel. Regardless, she stands and thanks Willamae for confirming what
everyone already knew: Stella Johnson is not fit to live in Harper Valley.
It’s really hard to get why these people are so angry.
But, apparently, they need to “get evidence” of Stella’s
naughty subscription so that…? They can… use it…? For their plan?
Look, the PTA is evil and they have really uptight moral
standards and any deviation for those standards leads to some horrible fate.
It’s almost like those horror films where the couple moves to suburbia and
suburbia is full of robots or Satanists or people who use human flesh to
fertilize their corn or something. I think the point is that the school in
Harper Valley is amazing, and Dee needs it on her transcript, so Stella can’t
let her be expelled and can’t just transfer her.
(This show is lacking the internal logic that I Dream of Jeannie had.)
The plan seems to be
getting Willamae to rifle through Stella’s mail.
So, the next day, Willamae sneaks across to Stella’s house
right after the mail delivery and pulls out all of Stella’s – wait. What? Isn’t
Willamae getting some this-and-that from the mailman? Can she not use her
feminine wiles to ask her original snitch to let her know if there’re anymore
Sleaze deliveries? Also, how frequently does Sleaze send out issues? Didn’t
Stella just get one?
Regardless of my Vulcan-like obsession with logic, the show
carries on. Stella is walking down the street next to Dee, who is riding on a
skateboard and wearing an Evel Knievel tracksuit. Dee is cooler than I am.
Willamae sees them coming, panics, and steals all of their mail. This is called Obstruction of
Correspondence, and you can get five years in the slammer and a serious fine.
It’s worth noting that there were only slim white envelopes
that day, so Willamae breaking the law is totally unnecessary, and she’s facing
jail time because she’s an idiot.
Here’s what you do next time, Willamae: open the mailbox,
then use your eyeballs to look inside and see if any of the contents are the
size of a magazine. If not, close the mailbox and leave. If asked what you were
doing, just say you thought you heard a wasp trapped in there, and those can be
dangerous. If Dee suck her hand in and got stung, you’d feel just awful!
But, what’s done is done, and the ill-gotten letters are
soon brought to Flora, who is busily trying to steam them open when next we see
her.
She’s in her office, and she explains to her trio of cohorts
– Willamae, Wanda, and Wanda’s lecherous husband Bobby – that this isn’t
tampering, it’s reading. And it’s being done in the interests of protecting
Harper Valley.
From Barbara Eden.
Who isn’t doing anything wrong.
I still don’t know why they hate her. She’s not half as
risqué as the mother in the original song, and the mother in the original song was
no worse than anybody else. That was the point of the song.
Flora hammers the last nail in the coffin of “they should go
to jail for this” when she opens Stella’s bonus check. Now this is obstruction
of correspondence, mail tampering, and good old larceny. Probably a bunch of
other little things I’m missing. I really need to make friends with an expert
on American law so that I can bother them about early 80’s sitcoms.
“What kind of services is it for?” Wanda asks, way to
eagerly.
Why, it says “Prostitution and Fantasy Roleplay!” Because
people would totally write that on a check if that were the case!
Wanda is an idiot.
And her grabby husband is no better as he laments the
fruitlessness of their investigation. Maybe he was hoping to get a free copy of
Sleaze after all this.
Finally, Willamae clues in to the whole size-discrepancy
thing she failed to notice during the adrenaline rush of her letter heist. She
asks Flora why they’re bothering with stuff that’s clearly not part of the
magazine-related objective. Flora says they have to check everything because
“who knows what might turn up in that hussy’s personal letters?”
It’s sad how the other women keep using words like “hussy”
to describe Stella. And it’s also sad that in order to make this show work, the
network or the writers felt like everything Stella got in trouble for had to be
a wacky misunderstanding, instead of looking at ways to expand the perception
of the responsibilities of a single mother. I wish they’d asked a question
about why Stella would subscribe to
Sleaze, or buy a copy of it. Maybe Dee heard boys at school discussing it, and
she felt insecure, so Stella wanted to check out the content herself to have a more
informed conversation? Maybe Dee herself bought it under Stella’s name because
she was curious about what boys find attractive?
Anyway, the next day, Willamae exchanges the stolen letters
with the ones just delivered to Stella. (Really feel like she’s not optimizing
her connection to the mailman.)
The good news is that Stella gets her bonus check now, and
she seems pretty happy about it.
She hurries into the house, calling excitedly to Dee, who’s
hanging out in the kitchen working on a school project. Man, this kid is
devoted to her studies. Stop trying to kick her out of school, you stupid PTA!
Stella asks if Dee knows what the bonus check means, and Dee
replies: “A trip to the bank?”
Nope! A new winter coat from Bassinger’s Department Store!
“There comes a time in every woman’s life when spending
money is more important than making money. And that time comes when her only daughter
who she loves more than anything else in the whole world is simply burstin’ for a one hundred percent goose
down jacket.”
Aw, Barbara Eden is a treasure.
And Dee is so excited! And she’ll be so warm! Goose down,
woo!
They hug.
The next day, Stella hits the pavement with her sample box.
Her first appointment is at Vivian Washburn’s house, and she has some new night
cream she thinks is just the thing for Vivian.
Vivian says what she really needs is vanishing cream to make
the mess in her living room disappear. She’s just had a baby, and Dr. Spock
says humour helps. Unfortunately, Vivian is really bad at jokes.
She changes the subject by complimenting Stella’s brand new
dress.
Stella says it’s the first time she’s worn it. She just
bought it.
“Out of your bonus check, I suppose.” Vivian nods.
Yup! With what was left over after Dee’s jacket – wait, how
did Vivian know about Stella’s bonus check?
Vivian panics, says she suddenly has to go, and slams the
door in Stella’s face.
Good job, Viv! Super inconspicuous! She won’t suspect a
thing!
Later that afternoon, Cassie and Stella are strolling down
the street, when what should they see but Willamae doing the ol’ mailbox
switcheroo.
(Come on, Willamae! Do crime properly! There’s no excuse for
your sloppiness!)
Instead of being like: “I see you, Willamae! I’m reporting
this to the post office! It’s illegal to steal people’s mail, and it’s a federal
crime! The FBI are coming! You can’t buy them off with lemon squares, Willamae!
You’re going to the real prison!” which
is what I feel the normal response to be, Stella just realizes that this is how
Vivian knew about her bonus check. The entire town has been reading her mail.
She seems… not angry enough.
Cassie suggests that they’re doing this to find copies of Sleaze,
which is an impressive deduction given how bizarre all of this feels. Cassie’s
plan is to beat up Willamae, but Stella stops her.
She’s got a better idea.
A zanier idea.
Step one is to write herself a letter, and then send it. We
don’t know the contents, but the outside says PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL. Just
to get everyone really interested in
what might be in there.
Stella and Cassie laugh as they slip it in a post box, then
they do a friendship club secret handshake high five that involves snapping.
“Good heavens!” Flora Simpson Reilly cries, “I never thought
I’d read anything like this!”
The entire PTA is gathered around the steamer, waiting
eagerly for more sordid details of Stella’s paychecks and coupon programs. But
what Flora’s got is beyond anything they’ve found so far. A fake Middle Eastern
princess with a fake name from a fake country is coming to Harper Valley! I
seriously did not catch any of the fake name of either the princess or country,
so we’re going with Princess Baba Ganoush of Djelibeybi. It doesn’t matter
because Stella made it up anyway.
Flora is super excited! Princess Baba Ganoush will be
arriving tomorrow!
“I hope we don’t have to roll out the red carpet,” the mayor
says. “It still has stains from the time Lassie came to town.”
The canned laughter loves that one for some reason.
Anyway, according to the letter, the princess’s husband, The
Sheikh, has bought a whole bunch of American companies with his oil money, and
one of them was AngelGlo cosmetics. The princess has decided to run the company
herself, and is looking for real estate in several locations in order to make
her American home. One of those places is Harper Valley, could Stella show her
around?
This is a weird plan. When I heard the mail stealing plan, I
thought it would be the strangest thing we’d encounter, but somehow the
response to the mail stealing plan is even stranger.
Everyone in the PTA starts planning to sell their homes and
businesses to Princess Baba Ganoush when she comes. And Flora announces that
since she is the closest thing to royalty in Harper Valley, she will host a
welcome party for the princess.
After the meeting, Flora goes straight to Stella’s house to
see her.
Stella and Cassie are hanging out in ridiculous 80’s
clothes. Stella is wearing a black velour jumpsuit, and Cassie is wearing an Irish
cardigan over a cream turtle neck, with tan trousers and penny loafers. It’s
really hard to say which is worse.
Do yourself a favour, and no matter what decade you’re in,
just wear jeans. Nobody looks stupid in jeans.
So Flora tells them all about how great her next party is
going to be, and Stella replies that it sounds awesome, what a shame she and
Cassie aren’t invited.
But of course they’re invited! And they’re welcome to bring
anyone else they think would enjoy it! An uncle, an aunt, a princess…
Oh! Do you think Princess Baba Ganoush might like to attend?
Flora insists that they all
come, and that Princess Baba Ganoush will have a wonderful time.
That settles it. Princess Baba Ganoush will be at the party
for 8:00, and so will Cassie.
“What about you, Stella?” Flora asks.
“Me? Oh, well, if the princess is there, sure as shootin’ I’ll
be there!” Stella says with a mischievous twinkle.
You might be asking yourself if all of this is just so
Barbara Eden can put on a genie-looking costume and stir up some trouble, and
the answer to that is yes.
Yes it is.
The Sleaze aspect of the plotline goes nowhere. Forget about
the magazine and the mail fraud, we’re doing Middle Eastern princess now. Get
on board, cuz this train is leaving the station.
The next night, the party is looking really dull and kind of
grand. Flora is wearing elbow length white gloves and a tiara because she’s
crazy. Waiters bring everyone trays of tiny hot dogs with toothpicks in them,
and the cocktails look like one of those cans of mixed fruit with some vodka in
it?
At the front of the house, the limousine from the funeral
parlour pulls up with Cassie and “The Princess” inside. Of course, it’s just
Stella in a blue version of her famous Jeannie costume, but with veils
obscuring her face.
Now, okay, on I Dream
of Jeannie I think we all excused the fact that this woman doesn’t look
Persian in the slightest by saying she has magic powers and can and does change
her appearance. No big deal. But here? I guess you could say that she married
into it, but that’s not what they’re going for with the name and look. And
then, too, this is not a modern look with the veils and the harem pants.
Maybe everyone was worried that audiences wouldn’t be able
to let go of Jeannie, but the way to solve that is not to remind everyone of
Jeannie for no reason. Because then it’s just like: “Man, I wish I was watching
the one where Jeannie and Roger get that newspaper that predicts the future…”
(Man, I wish I was watching that…)
Back in the house, Flora warns everyone not to make camel
jokes, because, you know, here in North America all anyone does is make camel
jokes and talk about local sports teams at parties. And you have to watch that
with international guests, especially the ones from places like Djelibeybi,
where camels are kind of a big deal.
When Cassie and the princess make their grand entrance, Flora
bows super dramatically and says:
“A thousand subserviences to you, my princess!”
“That’s weird. Get up,” Princess Baba Ganoush doesn’t say. Even
though that might actually be funny.
“I am known as Mrs. Reilly. Welcome to my home.”
I’m so glad that this isn’t an actual foreign dignitary.
A little later, they’re all gathered around the bar, and
Flora asks the princess if she enjoys swimming. She says that there’s no water
in her country, only oil.
Flora starts to tell her about lakefront property, and the
princess announces she will buy the lake. Stella writes a fake check for a
million dollars and gives it to Flora.
Well, now everybody’s
done something illegal, so I guess nobody
has. That’s how laws work.
Next up, Princess Baba Ganoush does a belly dance with the
mayor, and gives him a fake check for four million dollars in order to purchase
City Hall. And so it goes – check after check after check, until everyone is
drunk on joy and fake money.
But, there’s one thing the princess wishes. And that is to
meet Stella Johnson.
Flora says she invited Stella, and has no idea where she
might be. The princess suggests that maybe the invitation wasn’t sincere
enough, and grabs the check back from Flora.
“I wish Stella Johnson to be here now!” Princess Baba
Ganoush stomps her foot and folds her arms, just like Jeannie.
The princess wants to tell Stella what a remarkable group of
people her neighbours are, getting this party ready without even knowing the
princess was on her way! What foresight! What ingenuity!
Everybody confesses how they’ve been reading Stella’s mail
by steaming it open and so they totally knew she was coming.
“In my country, we have a saying: A person who opens someone
else’s mail is like a camel without a hump. Easily mistaken for a jackass.” Apparently,
in Djelibeybi, they cut your hands off for reading someone else’s mail. It is
the highest crime committed only by the lowest of the low.
She takes all of the checks back and storms out of the
party.
The PTA members argue and cry and blame each other, and
Stella has her revenge.
She and Cassie sneak around to the window and have a good
laugh at all the party guests crying into their weird chunky fruit booze.
And that’s a typical episode of Harper Valley P.T.A.!
Now, where did I put those I Dream of Jeannie DVDs…
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